In a bizarre twist to election night coverage, Florida Man Dirty Dan has announced a landslide victory for Kamala Harris after an exceptionally vivid dream. According to Dan, the dream revealed a timeline where Harris took the presidency with such overwhelming support that news outlets called the race the instant polls closed in Hawaii.
“It was the darndest thing,” Dan explained to reporters outside the Waffle House where he’s held “campaign headquarters” since September. “The second those polls closed out there in Hawaii, bam! They called it for Harris. No one saw it coming, but in my dream, it was as clear as the morning dew on a gator’s back.”
Dan describes his dream as beginning with a vision of a news anchor stuttering in disbelief as they declared, “It’s Harris by a landslide!” According to Dan, after the announcement, scenes of ecstatic supporters flooded his dreamscape. People were so jubilant, they “forgot all about traffic laws and BBQ pit permits.” He vividly recalled his neighbor, decked out in a tuxedo T-shirt, waving to cheering crowds and making vague promises about “free boat decals for all” and “two-for-one nachos every Tuesday.”
Dan claims his dream continued with a surreal phone call from the White House itself. “The Vice President was just thrilled. She told me, ‘Dan, we couldn’t have done it without you.’ And I was like, ‘Ma’am, I just had the dream.’” He laughed, eyes misting at the memory. “And you know, in that moment, I knew Harris was the leader we’ve all been waiting for.”
Dan insists the dream is all the confirmation they need. “Who needs polls? Dreams don’t lie. Harris is the president, and that’s that.”
While media outlets nationwide continue to scratch their heads, a growing crowd of locals have gathered outside Dan’s makeshift HQ, many wearing T-shirts reading “In Dan’s Dreams, We Trust.”
Whether Kamala or Trump, or some unknown third party candidate is the victor, one thing is certain: in Dirty Dan’s Florida, the future of the presidency is dreamier—and stranger—than anyone ever imagined.
