Washington, D.C. — In a surprising twist that has raised eyebrows across the globe, President-Elect Donald Trump announced today that he would be nominating Hoggish Greedly, the infamous industrialist known for his, shall we say, “flexible” approach to environmental ethics, to head the Environmental Protection Agency. Greedly, known widely from his antics on the animated series Captain Planet, has promised to “make pollution profitable again.”
“We’re bringing in someone who really understands the needs of big business,” Trump said at a press conference, flanked by Greedly, who was sporting a suit that looked suspiciously synthetic. “Look at this man! He’s been dealing with pollution for years—he knows it inside and out, and he’s ready to bring that expertise to America’s environmental policy.”
Environmental groups are alarmed, to put it mildly. “Hoggish Greedly isn’t just the wrong person for this job, he’s the wrongest person for this job,” said Sierra Green of the Environmental Alliance. “We are talking about a guy whose life’s work has revolved around polluting rivers, clear-cutting forests, and driving around in machinery that spews enough smoke to start its own climate crisis.”
Greedly was unapologetic when asked about his history, offering a shrug and the comment, “What’s so bad about a little sludge? Sludge is natural.” Greedly then explained his three-point plan for the EPA: Expedite, Pollute, and Accumulate.
